Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The World and My Place in it

I am 20 weeks pregnant as of today. This pregnancy has turned my life upside down. Not only because I'm 43 and it was unplanned, but because it has made me question everything about my life and my course of direction. Last week I quit my job to devote myself to writing, presenting and running my business. I thought my husband might skin me alive, but he was actually quite supportive. Now I just have to produce. Am I afraid? You bet. I have to make a workable plan and produce an adequate income for my family. I feel this has been both an act of supreme courage and sheer folly at the same time. But I know I am not the same me. This pregnancy has changed me. I felt the baby move, I think, a few days ago, twice in the same day. I haven't felt that fluttering since. I find myself waiting for it, anticipating it. Yet I still have very mixed feelings about the preganancy. Last week I cried because I didn't want it. This week I wait for the fluttering. I am a mess of conflicting emotions. I only know I must be brave and press on.
Last night, on Memorial Day, after a busy weekend of family gatherings, Chuck and the kids and I stayed home and had a little cookout in our backyard. What a lovely relaxing day it was. We needed it so much. William, our 18 year old, went to his job, our three little girls attended a neighbor's birthday party. That left Chuck and I, and our 15 year old Evan, at home in the evening. Chuck and I talked for hours. Evan added a comment here and there but mostly hung back and just stayed near us. It felt so good to make a connection again after nearly a whole month of running ourselves ragged, each working two jobs and never being at home. We talked about everything from the Muslim/Arab world to our favorite musicals. (His is Oklahoma, mine is a tie between Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and Jesus Christ Superstar) I value our connection so much. I just can't get enough of his company. I'm so glad I'm married to someone I really like and admire.
Later, one of our neighbors leaned over the back fence to show us her new grandbaby, only a few days old. Another neighbor saw and came rushing over. After the appropriate amount of oohing and ahhing, the new grandma casually mentioned that the baby was born by cesarean section. I gave an inward sigh. Why should her young 20 something daughter need a cesarean to have a little six pound baby? I didn't ask for details. All the stories have begun to sound alike to me. My spirit has been crushed by the technological oppression of women in birth. Its why I started this blog. Its why I'm determined to have my baby at home without technological interference. Why can't women seem to give birth anymore- and more importantly, what can I do about it?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

9I commented here months ago...jawndoejah.

I am pregnant with my 9th pregnancy, hopefully 6th birth. I opted for quad screen, and found out I have a 1 in 53 chance of baby having trisomy 18. My research has turned up many other possibilities with such a screen result, normal being the majority. I've had sonograms, and was ready to submit to amnio but since I won't terminate and baby looks good, the peri (over by OPRMC) said he didn't want to do amnio. We didn't, and now I'm stuck in this limbo land. I feel dumb for fearing with good level 2 sonograms, but then again want to have a birth plan. I don't want to risk miscarriage, and yet want to avoid extra intervention now that I am officially "high risk (besides being AMA and Grand Multipara...yes!). I do not know birth but hospital birth, and find that I can generally get no IV and eat and drink because I just do what I want. I fear too much intervention, or worse yet if baby has T-18, no "heroic" care because they don't give baby any chance despite the rare few that do make it longer. Ugh, this is hard.

Good luck with your article by the way...
Dawn Meisenheimer Lewis
recent midwest voices panelist kcstar