Thursday, January 11, 2007

Damn the Torpedoes

Sorry for the delay in posts, Dear Readers. I have been floundering a bit as I transition this blog from a birth blog to a book blog. I've been working on getting my life organized and in place to take on the rather large task of writing a book, or rather finishing one. I'm proud to say that I have whipped my schedule into submission- no small feat with a new baby (who is doing great by the way- I'll post pictures soon, he's getting so plump and pretty).
I canceled my trip to Mexico, too out of shape to make the walk. But I am still planning to take Josiah to San Francisco with me when I speak at the breastfeeding conference next month. It has been very interesting for me to prepare my materials for the conference while I endure my own struggles with breastfeeding. I know now that I will always have to supplement him. My milk supply simply doesn't meet his needs. I am shocked that this has happened to me, but it has taught me great humility and compassion. I have never had milk supply issues before with my previous 5 breastfed babies. Could it be my age? At any rate, I have learned a valuable lesson about not judging others when they cannot meet our ideal. No one has judged me, everyone has been wonderful. But I hang my head in shame as I recall in the past actually ostracizing moms who gave up and went to the bottle after having trouble with breastfeeding. What right did I have to make them feel inadequate? You'll get a laugh out of this- the other day I was out in public nursing Josiah, as is my policy, when he started to fuss. I knew I was out of milk and he was getting frustrated so I pulled out the bottle of formula to finish the feeding. I actually felt EMBARRESSED feeding him from a bottle in public. How is that for funny. Most women are the opposite, with embarrassment from feeding from the breast. How far gone is that?
Anyway back to the book. I've set aside an hour each evening for writing, and have an accountability partner to keep me honest about how much writing I'm getting done. I spoke with the film-makers via email and they will start the editing process soon. We have tons of hours of video- they'll nosh it down to a seamless story. I want the book to be finished by the time the documentary is- late spring or early summer. I keep telling myself, I'm just telling my story, but I'm still afraid. My mind is full of what ifs? But I will write anyway. It takes tremendous courage. I have to tell the truth. I have to try to help birthing women. I know I'll be lambasted for it, but I have to try.


Mimi said...

I once saw an interview with Tracy Chevalier and she said that she does that, takes an hour or two every day where she writes in longhand her stories - and then edits from there.

And, hugs, I know what you mean about supplementing and learning humility. It is hard when we can't live up to an ideal - either external or internal.

You still amaze me with your awesome mothering skills that you show both professionally and personally, remember that.

Laborpayne said...

Thank you. You are such a faithful reader- I appreciate your input.

Celeste said...

Life throws us curveballs. We deal. You are showing a lot of grace for being able to learn from it. Sometimes I really think these babies teach us more than we teach them!!!

emjaybee said...

He's still getting your mama milk too, so he's doing better than if you had just bottlefed from the get go. Remember that!

It always takes a while to find your style of getting writing done. The rhythm will come to you.

Anonymous said...

(((HUGS))) I'm a breastfeeder who had no problems whatsoever nursing her first three children exclusively, yet my supply dried up with my fourth and she developed failure to thrive. It really stinks; I know exactly how you feel. She is now exclusively formula-fed. :(