Saturday, June 03, 2006

Getting My Life Back

I had a very good visit with my midwife a couple of days ago. She recognized right away that I had been depressed during our first meeting a month ago. As I discussed it with her, I realized how depressed I had been. I had even been having suicidal ideations. Its hard to believe now that I was that far gone. I stuggled with depression in my early 20s but had not experienced it for over 20 years. The combination of the unexpected pregnancy, the stresses of a new job, financial concerns, and a general feeling that I was out of control of my life, all contributed. The best thing I did was to quit that second job. Money will be tight, but I'm so glad I did it. I'm so glad I didn't wait. I immediately felt a sense of control once more over my own destiny. Most of my depression was centered around that job, a job I didn't want. It was on my way to work that I would start to think, "If I just drove my car off the road, I wouldn't have to work this shift tonight." I felt as if I would do anything to get out of going. Two months into the job after a brutal night of being understaffed and overworked, I simply told myself, I would not go back. I immediately felt free. I immediately felt control over my life again. I literally felt the depression lifting like a fog evaporating. It was then I realized how bad things had been. Once the stress of that job was removed, I could even begin to feel some joy about the pregnancy. Of course now comes the real work. I have to produce an income from my business. I have to really push to boost sales and market more effectively. But it seems so do-able now. Many things seem more do-able now. I'm so glad I listened to that still small inner voice, that beckoned me to make the right choice for myself. My rational mind kept telling me that I had to be responsible, do the right thing for my family, make sacrifices. All the while I sank deeper, thinking my very soul had been sacrificed. Now I have time to write! (That alone has saved my sanity.) Now my mornings are filled with journaling, blogging, and working on my book. I've even written a poem a day since I've been back in my right mind! Now my schedule is my own to pursue with my time what I think is best. My next step is to add back in my exercise regimen, walking 30 minutes a day with the dog. I'll have to look into how much weight training I can add back in now that I'm pregnant. Or perhaps I'll do a prenatal yoga class instead. At any rate, my life seems my own again. The impossible seems once more possible.

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