The pregnancy is slowing me down, at a time I feel compelled to move faster. I've had 2-3 hour naps the past few days plus my 8-9 hours of sleep at night. My body must need the extra rest, but my mind is continually racing toward what needs to get done. I've focused on preparing my body for birth, but now I have to think about how I will get into shape in three months for a 55-mile hike with a baby in tow. I barely did it just carrying myself the last two years. My husband won't come with me (and doesn't think I should go either), so I'm on my own. My business is also forefront in my mind. I'm busier than ever and need to start delegating but its so hard to let go and allow others more responsibility. I know my business can't grow otherwise and my tight grip will eventually cause stagnation, but its still difficult for me. I simply lack trust in others' ability to do things as well as I do. I know I've got to change my thinking or I'll simply wear myself out.
Meanwhile, I've been seeing my counselor and working through issues about my parents. This alone has been mind-blowing and I'm at a point where I don't really want to see them or talk to them right now. These issues are so huge I can't really wrap my brain around them right now- especially with so many other things going on. I've thought through my upbringing before, this is not new. I know they did the best they could with what they knew at the time, but I'm stuck on the idea that I'm broken and with a better upbringing, I could have been a better person. I'm yearning to be that better person now, and struggling to give myself permission to go ahead and be her anyway, in spite of my upbringing. Do you know how hard it is to break a lifetime of bad behaviors, beliefs and habits? Maybe thats why I'm so tired these days- the internal work is incredibly exhausting.
All in all I think that has been the gift of this pregnancy (Estrella tells me that each pregnancy brings its own gift)- the courage to confront and embrace the possibility of change. Right now I'm more afraid of not changing. I want so much to be better than what I am.