Boy am I getting cranky. I yelled at the kids all night last night. I stayed away from them because I didn't think I had enough impulse control not to take a swing at one of them. I'm incredibly discontent with my husband and saying the meanest things to him. I'm a straight shooter, but not ususally this bad. Why am I being so mean? I hope I'm not like this for the birth, being bossy and pushing people around. Part of me thinks its hormonal, part of me thinks that no excuse for bad behavior.
I have a new doula. My initial doula was overcommitted with school, and such, so I let her off the hook and asked someone else. The new doula, was the same one with my son and his wife, and with the Brits. She's one of the best in town, and a massage therapist to boot. Nothing will be ready when the midwife makes her home visit- oh well, I still have a couple more weeks to prepare. The main thing I want to talk about is the birth itself and her treatment protocols for postpartum hemmorhage- the one complication I think I'm at risk for and only because its baby number nine. I've been drinking my uterine stregnthening teas and have never had a problem before- just covering my bases. I'm feeling stronger and stronger about a hands off birth. I don't know why I feel so strongly about not being talked to or touched, but I do. Is this an outpouring of my newfound crankiness or am I just feeling the need to truly birth independently?