Processing the Process

My doula, Nadah came over yesterday so we could chat about the birth. I love an opportunity to talk about it with someone who witnessed it and may have a different perspective on things. She said she had never seen anyone give birth upright on their feet before. Perhaps its just a fluke, but I had my last 4 babies that way, it just seems right for me. She also said I seemed very calm. I think thats because all my processing was internal. It was very hard for me to come out of myself. Plus, I'm not a worryer by nature. I assume things will go fine, and then if they don't, I start to worry at that point, not before. Nadah also said she felt like she didn't do much. I had to laugh since her presence was the only one I was really registering and felt essential to my ability to cope. We talked a little about what I wrote about not liking the assessments and interventions. I do think most of that was tied to the realization that I did those things to women (and much much worse) as an L&D nurse without realizing the impact it had on them. We also talked about the documentary. I meet with Larry and Lucy next week, before they return to the UK to look at some snippets of what they've put together and get some final postbirth footage. Nadah seemed surprised that I want no input in the production of the film, but I think it will be more powerful if they edit it as they see fit from an outsiders perspective. I know they've learned a lot just going through the birth of their own daughter the past year. I trust them, to do justice to the project. I'm excited for the film, but its really their work. My work is to finish the book by the end of the year. My head is swimming with ideas. I am equally afraid and excited.